In addition to discussing the issue of youth violence as it relates to girls with Dr. Deborah Prothrow-Stith, The Challenge recently had the opportunity to speak with Dr. William Pollack about how violence relates to boys. Director of the Centers for Men and Young Men and of Continuing Education at McLean Hospital in Belmont, Massachusetts, and clinical professor of psychology at Harvard Medical School, Dr. Pollack is the founder and director of the REAL BOYS educational programs. An internationally recognized authority on boys and men, his book, Real Boys' Voices, reveals the wide range of the "secret emotional lives" of America's young males and offers advice on connecting and listening to them.

The Challenge: When addressing the issue of youth violence, why do you feel it is important and necessary to focus on boys separately from girls?

Dr. Pollack: The reason for separating the two—boys and girls—is not because one is more important than the other, but rather, because we do see patterns by gender. We see different kinds of violence. And although we are seeing an increase in violence among girls, as is evidenced by the "third wave" of violence talked about by Dr. Deborah Prothrow-Stith, violent crimes are still committed mostly by boys and against boys. To really understand girls, we cannot give them what they need unless we can understand their issues. The same goes for boys: to most effectively address the issues of boys and violence, we need to understand their specific issues.

It is interesting—when we look at violence among our youth, we look at race, we sometimes look at age, but we forget to look at gender. Gender is too important an issue to overlook. It does a disservice to both boys and girls. Both are critically important and deserve our individual and separate attention.

The Challenge: Please define your concepts the Boy Code, the Code of Silence, and the Myths of Boyhood.

Dr. Pollack: The Boy Code is a set of cultural norms, the messages boys hear across the board about what it means to be a boy in today's society—from Homer Simpson to the New York Times. The code is inculcated into boys by our society from the beginning of a boy's life. Boys first experience it on a large scale when they enter organized school settings at ages 4 and 5, with a second strong impact during adolescence. The Boy Code includes messages such as "be a big boy," "be a little man," "cut the apron strings," and "big boys don't cry." A boy must hide his natural feelings, or he'll be called a "wimp" or a "girl."

Silence is part of the Boy Code, but it is important to separate and address the Code of Silence specifically. There are two parts to the Code of Silence. The first is that boys do not reach out for help when they are in need or in trouble. They don't tell anyone, because if they do, it means they are not strong enough to handle things themselves. What we then see in our schools is boys acting out their pain through forms of teasing and bullying. Some boys even become suicidal. The second part is that they cannot tell on others who are in pain, because then they are seen as a "rat" or a "snitch."This means that in a school environment, boys cannot be open, they cannot connect with adults as they should be able to.

Three major Myths of Boyhood persist. The first is that boys will be boys, based on the biological myth that testosterone equals aggression which equals heinous crimes. The second myth is that boys should be boys—that they must fulfill the dominant, macho stereotype. The third myth is that boys are toxic—that they are an inherent danger to our health and environment. So not only does society see boys as prisoners of their own biological makeup and as property confined by their "gender straightjacket," but society also tends to believe that boys are psychologically unaware and emotionally unsocialized creatures.

The Challenge: What has been the impact of the Boy Code, the Code of Silence, and the Myths of Boyhood?

Dr. Pollack: The impact is seen and felt everywhere. There is no biological basis for boys engaging in violence, but we've come to expect aggression and violence from them. Because of the Boy Code, they are limited in how they can express themselves. As an example, if a boy wants to be a dancer, we make assumptions—this leads to homophobia. Because boys are viewed as "toxic," we think they need to be watched over every moment, or they will become hostile and aggressive. One boy I interviewed for my recent book said, "... people see me as hurtful and treat me that way." We forget that boys who are hostile and aggressive have been pushed into it by the Boy Code. Boys have been pushed into acts of bravado to prove their masculinity. The Boy Code has cut them off from their more tender, vulnerable feelings. It has also cut them off from intimate friendships and from reaching out when they need it most.

As I travel around the country and talk with boys, I hear similar messages. One boy said to me, "I get a little down, but I'm very good at hiding it. It's like I wear a mask. Even when the kids call me names or taunt me, I never show them how much it crushes me inside. I keep it all in." We bring boys up according to the Boy Code that forces them to hide all their vulnerable emotions—their tears, their tenderness, their loving. We force them to put those real emotions aside, causing a split so they cannot express their feelings openly without shame. Most of the young boys I meet with are sensitive enough to realize that there is that "split" when asked about it. They talk about the range of feelings they experience in the "inside" me, but state that the "outside" me has to be brave and strong, happy and contented. Anything else is unacceptable.

Our boys also experience schools that are "boy unfriendly." Boys are more likely to experience more discipline, suspensions, and expulsions than girls, as well as an over-diagnosis of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

One more thing—the Boy Code leads to many adults not knowing how to connect with boys. It also leads to confusion, because adults who look at boys as hurtful and mean are also afraid to connect with boys.

The Challenge: What can we do to make a difference?

Dr. Pollack: Connect, connect, connect, and reconnect. We must understand the Boy Code and dismantle it in our systems as well as in our one-on-one connections that we have with boys. We must examine the messages that we give to boys and that boys receive. We must provide them a safe place, a "shame-free" zone, where they can be themselves. Because boys don't have the "language" for talk like girls do, we must start with action talk (action and activity to develop empathy). This way, they can begin to trust us and open up. In our structures and our environments—just as with girls—every boy must have at least one adult in a position of authority whom he feels he can trust and with whom he can open up in this kind of way. The adult, in turn, must feel he knows the boy, understands how he feels, knows if he is in trouble, and knows how to reach him.

Ultimately, as important as all this is, we must work together to help the systems make changes and to break open the Boy Code, so boys can be anyone they want to be and still be accepted. We must model these things in our words and in our behaviors. Focusing on boys in this way will help both boys and girls in our society.